


A Dream of Reality

by Jcrust6



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, its angsty before its nice, the blood was just one sentence but yuh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26021731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jcrust6/pseuds/Jcrust6
Summary: Catra has a terrifying dream, but was it much different from reality anyways?(the first part is a bit awkwardly written, it gets better when you get to the *** page break)
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Kudos: 72





	A Dream of Reality

The air is stiff. The dust floating freely in the empty space of her surroundings dries the air, making it artificial and coarse. She is on her knees, gripping at the ball of her wrist so tightly that her pulse begins to throb against her shaking thumb. Her breath is shallow and numb. 

Catra’s eyes skitter across the landscape of her hands. Her panic sets in, her breath quickening. Her mind loops over the just-past events obsessively, taunting her. Erupting from her chest, a warmth plagues her hollowed being, spreading itself to the remainder of her body as she collapses over her crossed arms, face in her legs, overwhelmed with anguish. Her breathing becomes hoarse, her throat raw. She rips her hands away from her stomach and threads them through her scalp, deeply digging her nails into the skin. Pulling at her hair, she finds it harder and harder to maintain the last specks of her composure that her pride was so desperately grasping onto. With a sharp inhale,

She sobs.

Her chest sinks deep towards her heart and reaches out to the floor with such a force. Her lungs can no longer siphon the necessary oxygen she needs to breathe. Her hands find themselves trembling at the center of her head. She squeezes her arms against her temples, so hopelessly trying to relieve this unbearable amount of stress. Her eyes burn as traitorous tears stream down her face and paint the floor. Her cry is cracked and interrupted, it has no consistency, no restraint, and no remorse. She gasps for air only for it to be expended immediately. She quivers in place, unable to do much of anything.

Catra drags her pointed claws slowly down the side of her face, down to her neck, and resting them there. She becomes hauntingly still. Her eyes slint, peering at the cracks in the ground where the dust settled. Her nails continually trace around the crook of her neck, up to the top, and back down to the base. She carefully follows the path her nails make across the entirety of her neck, swirling in many intricate ways. Closing her eyes, she finds a faint sense of peace in doing this- caressing her own neck. 

She has a tempting and terrible thought.

She remains motionless. Her breath hitches.

All she can hear is the blood rushing to her ears. The warmth returns and chokes her from within, stifling her breath.

‘I could…’ Her nails find themselves at the sides of her neck.  
‘I could just…’ Her hands feel foreign; a threat that she welcomed.  
Her fingers tremble as they slowly curl towards the skin. Closer, and closer, and....

“Catra!”

Catra’s eyes shoot open, hands fleeing her skin as she swiftly turns back to find the voice that called her. Terrified, she scopes the room from where she’s seated. No one is in here, at least to her knowledge. She skittishly looks to every inch of the room and still see’s no one. She waits to be called again.

She waits.

“Who’s there…” her voice was full of ache. Barely a whisper, she finds herself paralyzed. She looks to the lever, the portal, not breaking eye contact with it, waiting as if that would give her a response.

Her ears perk up. She turns to face the sudden sound and is instead faced with-

her

Standing in front of her, the last person she needed to see, was Adora. Catra, stunned, looks at her in fear and quickly shuffles back. Holding her neck, she begins hyperventilating.

“What are you still doing here?? Why are you here??” Her eyes jump around Adora’s figure. She felt like she was being deceived, like she was still in that portal, latching onto a facade of a friend.

“Are you even- Are you-” she rubs her eyes with haste, looking back at Adora to confirm if she truly was there. 

Adora collapses to her knees. She’s not wearing her typical ragged jacket. Hysterical, Catra grips her own hand. 

“Catra I-” she’s interrupted.

“GET AWAY FROM ME” she shuffles away from her. She curls into herself, gripping at her head again.

Catra begins gritting her teeth, clearly in anguish as she continues to distance herself from Adora despite already being up against the wall. She cuts herself off. She hides. A faint gag breaks the momentary silence.

***

Catra wakes up in her bed in brightmoon, throat burning from the ghost of a cry, silently weeping as Adora brushes her thumb against her cheek. Slowly opening her eyes, she meets eyes with Adora, a bit perplexed about what had just happened.

“You okay..?”

Catra doesn’t respond. She lets her stare linger, embracing the gentle touch of her friend.  
Her friend?

“Are you really here?” She reaches out to hold Adora’s face, hesitant at first. Feeling the warmth of her skin puts her at ease, even if only slightly. She exhales and closes her eyes.

“I am. Did you have another nightmare?”

“I- I think so.” Catra runs her hand along Adora’s neck. It felt so different to hers. Free from the threat of harm, soft, delicate. She glides her hand towards her chin, slowly removing it.

These nightmares have been going on for weeks. Each time, they would feel so real, so tinged with pain and deceit. 

Catra rolls on her back, letting her gaze drift away from Adora. Her hand falls into the pit of her neck. She bites her lip.

“Want to talk about it…?” Adora’s soft voice saturated their space. Her voice was still painted with licks of sleep, only breathes away from slipping back into the warmth of rest. It was calming.

Catra was silent at first, rushing through the memories of her dream, many which have already left her. She wanted to be careful about sharing...but it’s not as if these things haven’t been issues outside of a dream.

“Sure...um.” Catra closed her eyes briefly before rising up. She leaned against the bed frame. Adora slowly creeped her hand to catras, eyes closed, lacing their fingers together loosely. Catra looked down, a small smile escaping her.

“You hold my hands so loosely. It reminds me of your shoelaces.”

Adora tiredly laughs back. “At least I wear shoes.”

Catra just barely laughs. She runs her thumb over Adora’s knuckles.

“This- um. This is going to be blunt and I know I’m going to regret oversharing in the morning but…” a pause.

“I was at the portal. You had left, everyone had. I was...alone. I was really sad- like, in the dream I could feel my throat hurting...you know, how it does when you cry. But anyways I-” She struggles to continue. Adora slightly grips at her hand, silently telling Catra to take her time.  
“I almost killed myself.”

Adora’s eyebrows furrow.

“I had been wallowing to myself, I remember sitting- nothing else really- and then I was um. I was like, holding my neck?” She goes to mimic the action and notices Adora isn’t looking. She purses her lips together and continues.

“I had kept tracing my nails all over my neck. Just, over and over, and I. I thought of um- well you know how they’re sharp and all and- and you know. I mean I- I’m sure you know they’re sharp- sorry I-” Adora squeezes her hand again.

Catra takes a moment to recollect herself.

“You were there. You called my name before I, before I tried to- end...it...”

“I don’t remember the rest.”

There’s a prolonged silence between them. Catra was convinced Adora had fallen back asleep, but she would occasionally mess with her palms or shift a bit. Catra pulled her knees up to her chest, struck with the memory of doing this in her dream- pulling her knees up, retreating, crying.

After several minutes, Adora sits up and carefully opens her eyes.

“Catra...”

“Yeah?”

“You were that sad? At the portal? Adora’s voice lacks the spark it normally has when she's fully awake. It’s coated in a grunge, fractured, tinged with the beginning of a cry.

Catra was surprised to hear any note of sadness in her voice. She was anticipating a normal, general concern. A reassuring word, an offer to help, a promise.

“Are you...okay?” Catra scans her face. She doesn’t respond.

“...”  
“Adora I-...I- mm” Catra pulls her lips to the corner of her mouth, hugging herself, turning away from Adora.

“I can’t talk to you when you look so sad.” Catra says under her breath.

“Can you answer...please?” Adora looks away, assuming this may be a bit uncomfortable for Catra.

“I wasn’t sad, after the portal.” 

a pause

she holds her neck

“I was...I wasn’t anything. I was afraid, I guess. I was mad? I wasn’t? I was-” She starts choking up.

“I was angry? At myself? I was so, I was so in denial. So in denial that I had really, REALLY, hurt you. I had never- I had never been so alone. So distanced- so distanced from you. I had never thought that I would actually have- that I actually would have severed-” she winces at her word choice-

“Cut off-” she winces again.

“Destroyed things between us. I-” a damaged laugh spills out of her lips.

“Ironic. To have destroyed the world and expected the only thing I cared about to be...safe from that. Safe from me.”

Catra’s lip quivers. Her hands start shaking against her will. She attempts to hide it, turning even further away from Adora.

“I just kept on pushing people away and I- Adora I-” She was barely containing her cry.

“I almost did.”

Adora dares to glance back.

There was a break of silence.

“You almost did..? Almost did what?” a suspicion travels to the front of her mind.

“Nothing” a lie coated in regret.

“You’re lying”

“I’m not, it was nothing...it- it doesn’t even matter anyways.” An escape from a thought left untouched.

Adora sighs.

“Of course you would say that.” Adora immediately regrets her words.  
Catra swiftly turns away from Adora, slightly offended. She was trembling. Her hands traitorously exposed her temperament. Feelings of frustration and despair were battling deep within her. Her eyes twitched, her teeth clenched. She goes silent.

“Catra-“ Adora reaches out, a pit rises to her chest.  
“I’m- I’m sorry...that was...rude. I’ll just um, go back to sl-”

“I almost killed myself, Adora” 

Catras voice rang like a broken bell. Her voice was sharp, it was damaged, inflamed. So quickly was this uttered. So suddenly.  
So harshly.

Adora’s eyes barely widened, but her surprise was obvious. She had no words. Her heart thrummed against her chest. She runs her jagged, bitten nail against the rough of her thumb. She felt her blood rushing to her ears.

Catra had said this phrase twice in the matter of minutes. Yet only one concerned their reality.

Adora felt a pressure in the front of her face. She felt an urgency wash over her, stinging her skin. She was alert, her eyes showcasing her increasing concern as she ran over the phrase again.

‘I almost killed myself’

Without giving it a second thought, Adora pulled Catra against her chest, hugging her with such intensity. She felt Catra’s heart beating just as fast, only for a moment, before Catra ripped herself away from the embrace.

“Stop.”

Adora stays silent.

“Just stop. Please I can’t-” Catra’s voice breaks.

“Catra I- I know you hate when I freak but I’m sorry it freaked me out! I- I just want-”

“STOP”.

Catra shuts her eyes tightly. Apologies flood out of her mouth for yelling. She grips her arms, pulling herself into a forceful hug and bites her lip.

Until it bleeds.

Adora notices and tries grabbing her wrist.

“Catra- Catra don’t do that!” Catra’s eyes rip open and her lips peel apart. Her voice wavers.

“A d o r a. Plea s e,, stop tou c h ing me. I am a bI t o v erw h e l m e d. I d on t wa n t to  
hu r tt yo u”

(transcript: adora, please, stop touching me. I am a bit overwhelmed. I don’t want to hurt you)

Adora holds her breath. She slowly releases her grip from Catra’s wrist. She pinches her lips together and looks away in shame, giving Catra some much needed space in the process. Catra’s breath was scattered. Adora shut her eyes tightly, focusing on Catra’s breathes, waiting for them to settle, regretting everything she had said.

everything.

Catra starts.

“Adora. I have always had my...issues. I’ve always struggled in this way and I just, I don't want to make anyone else-” , she stammers, “I just don't want to make you worried. About me. There's just...There was just so much I let sit inside of me, and there was so much energy I wanted to release.”

She lets out an exasperated sigh.

“And I just...I felt that I deserved to hurt and that I deserved all the pain I brought onto myself- or, or the pain from others or whatever it was.”

Adora keeps her eyes closed. Catra’s breaths seem a little calmer.

“But I guess I just- I couldn't do it. Maybe out of spite?”

Catra laughs a little, followed by a small chuckle from Adora.

“Sorry...It was more than that but, I guess I really had to stick it to you-” , she stammers again, realizing how that sounded, “I- I mean. I’m just joking i- I don’t want to associate that with you-”

“You’re okay. I know what you meant.”

Catra slowly turns back to Adora.

“I want you to understand that i- I didn't want to do that because of our problems. I didn’t try to do it because of anyone. It was just...I felt really alone. I felt that there was nothing left for me because I was so lost in my own head that-”

A pause.

“I couldn’t see that I still had so much. I still had you, somehow, even when I ruined it all. You never hated me. I have the forgiveness of my friends- well...maybe past friends. But they don't hate me. And I have a bed to sleep on now, so I guess I just...I learned to live for something, even if it was small. For food that wasn’t a ration bar or-”

Adora chuckles warmly. Catra laughs with her.

“You’re such an idiot literally shut up”, Catra says teasingly. “You know how great toast is?? Exactly. It’s worth living for.”

Their space becomes pollinated with the light delicacy of their laughter.

“I think I understand. I’m just glad you found something to hold onto until things were okay. Even if it was toast.” Adora lays down.

“I mean. I had realized I depended too much on you. That I was overcome with desire that I just- I dedicated my being to you. And I wanted to live for you and I wanted to see you happy just one more time-”, she speaks under her breath, “just one more time…”

“But I had lost myself. And I wanted to love you and enjoy being with you without suffocating you. And it’s...hard. But you never gave up on me, and I guess i'm just grateful that you didn’t.”

Catra lets out a final sigh. She drifts her gaze to Adora, which to her surprise, was staring up at her in awe.

“You love me?”

Catra smiles.

“Of course I do.”


End file.
